I am currently an unemployed woman “of a certain age” and I am happier than I have ever been.
I really want to start a blog and a Youtube channel. (Wow, big dreamer.) For some reason, I am so paralyzed by fear over this. I have it deeply engrained in my head that I need to have a full time, 40 hour a week job with benefits and a salary. There are trillions of blogs out there. What would makes mine special? After all, only my friends and family would pretend to read it. And why is it that Spotify always plays commercials when I sit down to write? Why am I offended by the thought of spending $10 a month for no commercials. Do I like to be angry and miserable? And why do I go off on tangents???
I feel that I HAVE to create this blog. I don’t know why I am so scared. Because it seems vain? Because I am not allowed to really pursue passion projects, but other people are? Because I like to mumble “woulda shoulda coulda” and be resentful of other people who actually do things? The thing is, I would love to make money off the blog, but that isn’t my primary goal right now. So really, it seems I am scared of nothing.
I am addicted to future-tripping. I love to think of an idea and then fast forward to 20 steps down the line and then talk myself out of that idea. (Because I am all knowing and that sort of thing has really worked out for me in the past.)
But my soul wants to write a freaking blog. Like a persistent toddler pestering his mom for candy, or a dog who REALLY wants to sniff a funky looking spot for 10 minutes when I am running late, my soul is adamant about starting a freaking blog. I have spent so much of my life kneeing my soul in the genitals, drop kicking it all around town, and drowning it out, but it keeps coming back, battered and bruised but still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
My instinct is to limit and protect myself. Though I am a grown ass woman, there is still a scared 4 year old whining that she just caaaann’t dooooo ittttt!! But I keep surprising myself and those that underestimate me. I am often more capable than I give myself credit for.
I am not sure when, but I stumbled across this quote by Edward Abbey. I love it and I think of it often.
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.
I have long thought of this as a metaphor for life, the struggle of becoming an adult and achieving my purpose in life. In 2012, I climbed Diamond Head, a volcanic tuff cone on O’ahu. I started the journey with my good friend who urged me to go ahead on my own while she went at a more cautious pace. Despite warning signs of falling rocks and dubious isolated areas, I continued upward, fueled by some manic, foreign motivation. When I got to the top, the arduous climb proved worth it. I remember feeling so accomplished, so alive, so present and happy. THIS was where I was meant to be. THIS felt amazing, invigorating, surreal, euphoric. Starting this blog conjures up all of those feelings.
I am welcome to return to fear any time; it will always be there. But right now, I want to explore these soul goals and see where they take me. Stayed tuned, all two of you who may be reading this! 😉